On this day in 2003 I was released from HMP Kilmarnock. I was 21 and I had a load of ‘good intentions’.
My second child had been born 3 months prior and I knew things needed to be done differently.
I had been away long enough to recognise that my lifestyle was a problem.
I didn’t understand what I actually needed to do. Or maybe I wasn’t prepared to do it!
I did some basic qualifications while inside. Nothing of any sort standard, but I had left school with absolutely nothing. Actually, I was told to leave!
I knew it was time to leave North Ayrshire. I thought ‘if only no one knew me it would be ok’
I wanted a new start, but in reality I was only tinkering about with my old life.
The truth was I was happy with some of my old lifestyle.
It was hard. It was hard trying to juggle life with two young kids, while emotionally immature yourself. Back in an an education setting (remember first experience wasn’t good) and striving to live life on life’s terms - sober(ish).
All at 21!
Things would get a whole lot worse. Another 12 years would be lost!
By 2012 things had sink to a whole new low. I was a shadow of who I used to be.
Even at ‘my best’ I was nothing, but at my worst, fear had totally rag dolled me and caused me to shrink to the point I genuinely thought about giving up. It was a legitimate consideration.
Why not? What did I actually have to live or fight for.
The only thing I had were two kids who were now 9 and 11, but they didn’t feel like mine, but they were all I had and I was the only dad that they had. I wasn’t what they deserved, but still, I was theirs.
I struggled and struggled trying to make things work.
It is now 2015 and nothing had really changed.
Yes, I had started making better decisions along the way. Distancing myself from mutually unhelpful company, taking responsibility in my house, and trying to look after my health.
These changes were positive and helpful up to a point, at least, but inwardly I was still as messed up as I was as a teenager.
I felt like that I needed a heart transplant.
The pain of my failures as a father. The guilt that stalked me. The shame that lingered like smoke from a burning cigarette in a small room and the struggle with desires that had robbed me of so much already.
Today, I am over 8 years sober and clean. It is surreal to read what I’ve written above, because that is not who I am today.
And I’m not.
I am only clean because of Jesus Christ.
The Bible describes what I have written above as sin. Both violator and victim.
Jesus became sin that I might become sinless. It was a divine exchange.
He took something that he didn’t deserve (the weight and punishment of my sin) and gave me something that I didn’t deserve. Forgiveness, peace, entry in to heaven and that new heart that I badly needed!
He came to heal the broken hearted and set the captives free!
I didn’t get my act together and start doing things differently. I did start doing some things differently, but it was Gods hand in dealing with me. My changes only worked up so far.
I didn’t intend to become a Christian. I didn’t even understand what a Christian was, but I knew I wasn’t one!
However, I am and I’m not ashamed of it.
Jesus is my boss, my Lord and the one I owe it all to🙌
Christianity isn’t an airy-fairy, cult like people group to identify with.
Christianity is for real people, with real issues who have found a REAL answer to their problems.
Why am I writing this? To get the word out there that Jesus is alive, able and available.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28
Does anyone recognise the fact that their ways are not working for them and if they are honest they know that they never really have?
I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try
(Rolling Stones)
Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again. But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again—ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life." John 4:13-14
Over the next 5, 10 or 15 years how will those chapters of your lives look?
A variation of previous chapters? Or something completely new?
Something unbelievable and completely beyond your expectations?
When we open our lives up to Jesus then this is what happens!
Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us (Ephesians 3:20)
A new life will demand our old one!
I’m so glad that I entered in to this walk with Jesus.
You may disagree with, or disbelief, the things that are mentioned above, but you can’t deny a changed life!
Happy Sunday friends 🙌💙🙏
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